How a Thesis is like a Newborn

In the following, I use the term thesis to refer to all the work involved in completing a PhD.

Ways in which a thesis and a newborn are similar:

• both consume all of your time, significantly cutting into your social life and making you lose contact with some friends
• both seriously interfere with getting enough sleep
• both are something you put a lot of effort into in the hope that someday they will produce a meaningful benefit to the world, but you have to accept that most likely they will both go unnoticed by the world at large
• both are capable of making you feel completely incompetent and unable to do anything right for what feels like forever
• both are a good way to meet other people doing the same thing
• friends and family give you advice on both, which is only sometimes useful
• both have a very frustrating way of telling you that something is wrong, but not indicating in any way whatsoever what is wrong
• both are expected to triple in size over the course of a year (different years of course)
• both produce lots of meaningless gibberish

Ways in which a thesis and a newborn are different:

• your thesis is never going to smile at you
• your thesis never seems to be satisfied with what you have done
• your thesis's problems can't be solved in a few minutes
• nobody has claimed that putting your uncovered thesis on your naked chest is good for anything
• your thesis didn't come into the world looking like it came from an alien race, you had to spend years working on it to provide that appearance
• your thesis doesn't smell good
• your thesis doesn't look like you, your partner, or any of your relatives
• your thesis does not become more independent over time
• your thesis will not be damaged by unexpectedly rolling off a table while your back is turned
• you don't have to thesis-proof your house
• you are not genetically programmed to fall in love with your thesis
• people offer to make food for you when you have a newborn
• people do not come over and ask to hold your thesis
• people are actually interested in your newborn (some people, not everybody)
• your thesis isn't your responsibility for 18 years (I sure hope not anyway)
• you can drop out of a PhD program
• neglecting your thesis is not illegal
• you don't have to pay people to watch your thesis when you are unable to
• you get to choose a partner for raising a newborn (most of the time)
• you can't accidentally apply to, be accepted by, and enroll in a PhD program
• there isn't a committee that decides when your newborn is good enough for you to move on with your life
• removing a useless appendix from your thesis does not require major surgery
• random strangers on the subway don't comment on or try to touch your thesis
• when you first bring your thesis home, your pets don't react to it at all
• nobody asks you to track how much waste your thesis produces
• the soft spots in your thesis won't go away on their own
• if you fall asleep with your thesis on your chest, you won't wake up to the feeling of something sucking on your neck
• you don't have to buy any furniture for your thesis
• most people know what a newborn is, but have not heard of sub-Riemannian geometry or astrodynamics
• people never mistakenly think you study stars when you say you have a newborn
• you are allowed to physically damage your thesis when you are mad at it
• your thesis is not at risk of suddenly dieing because you put it down the wrong way
• nobody thinks your thesis is "the cutest thing ever"
• people don't post pictures of their thesis on facebook (or at least not large numbers of pictures)
• you don't normally put your newborn on your resume or expect him/her to be useful for getting a job later
• your thesis never learns to sleep through the night
• when your thesis does something strange and unexpected, you can't call somebody and ask if it is actually normal
• all your ancestors successfully raised at least one child, but most of them did not do academic research
• when you talk about your child, people understand the words you are using
• you can backup your thesis in case you make a mistake later or a hardware problem causes you to lose it
• most parents don't pressure their children to get a PhD
• you can pretend to not have a thesis for a few weeks before it causes a problem